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| ...it should always be kittens... |
I'm not entirely sure what's going on, but I can't find an appropriate place to spill it.
I just got home from the highest week of my life!
...And, somehow, I feel like a failure...
I will continue to recap the adventure of a lifetime, but only after I put down this counterintuitive state of being...
Little things keep nagging me until they have consumed me...
The phrase "work on consistent connection" continues to plague my dressage tests. Making me feel like a failure as a rider... Why is this so hard for me to accomplish?
While I was out of town, our own dog (a chocolate lab of advancing years) suddenly killed 4 of our chickens in the space of an hour. Has she gone senile? In the fading light, did she suddenly think they were interlopers that didn't belong in the yard? I'll never have those answers...
I had made plans to hunt the Fancy Pony this season! It's going to be grand!!
So, why can't I make an actual hunt until November? How did these other things get on my calendar?? Why can't I seem to keep these things prioritized?
My house feels like it has been turned upside down. I can't seem to keep my stuff organized. Horse stuff... Sewing stuff... What in the world is going on with my laundry??
Is this just a reaction to being gone for over a week?
My husband says for moments of intense happiness that I experience, it is only a matter of time before I succumb to moments of equally intense despair. Is that all this is? Just a figment of my mind that has nothing to do with reality?
There was a discussion about the Intro Jumper class that I had entered.
What I thought I was entering (the way it was set up at the time I entered online) was Novice Jumper (running at 2'9"ish?) and was a recognized class.
It turns out that a decision was made to run the class instead as Intro Jumper and at 2'3"ish. Instead of fasted time, it was run at optimum time (which actually might be harder!). It was not recognized for anything. Many opinions that I read on the discussion (which, of course, took place in a Facebook group) seemed to think very little of this class. It's merely a training height and should be used as such. It shouldn't count for anything. Does that mean any accomplishment in this class should be discounted? Why do I care, either way?
I didn't feel ready to enter a speed jumper class at 3'3", so this was my next best thing. It turns out the heights were all lowered in the rest of the jumping classes, too. Should I have adjusted my entry accordingly? Why didn't I get the email referenced that explained this change? Why didn't I find the discussion until it was all over? Why do I feel betrayed?
Basically, I'm just a jumbled mess of emotion right now, and there doesn't seem to be any logical reasoning behind it.
To top it all off, I had a crappy Monday morning which is going to cost me money I really didn't want to spend on something that I thought was already taken care of. More feelings of failure... Ugh!
Hugs.
ReplyDelete:( Sending good vibes your way!
ReplyDeleteHope things have improved as the day has gone on!
ReplyDeleteugh... at least the kittens are there to help!! doubtful that i can provide any meaningful solace - but if it makes you feel any better, the 'consistent connection' thing is a constant struggle with my arab mare too. always and forever. you are not alone!
ReplyDeletealso, not that it brings your chickens back but i've heard that when dogs get nervous or feel overprotective, they will actually destroy the very things they are supposed to protect. this supposedly explains why some dogs are so destructive when left alone - perhaps that's what happened with the chickens?
anyway, sorry you're feeling so low. but you are *not* a failure! and i'm still really excited to read about the rest of your and Whisper's time at the show!!